Truth in Relationships: What to Say When it’s Time to Define

By Liz Lockwood

Most of us have been there at some point in life . . . spending an increased amount of time with a guy and enjoying every single minute of it. He calls you sometimes "just to talk," makes an effort to see you every chance he gets, and treats you differently than his other female friends. When you meet eyes across the room, your stomach flutters and your palms get sweaty. You are not really sure what this is all about, but you like him and you want whatever this is to continue. In fact, you haven’t actually discussed dating with him; you have yet to define this relationship.

If you have gone through this before, you know how frustrating it can feel. Dating is one of the areas in life where uncertainty can linger for much longer than it is welcome. There simply comes a point in every dating relationship when you need to have a D.T.R. "Defining the Relationship" is critical for establishing boundary lines, expectations, and leadership in dating.

*The Need for Truth

A key building block in any relationship is the need to be truthful. Our sin nature urges us to present ourselves differently than we really are and to ignore weaknesses that we know exist in our lives. We are called to be people of truth. It is no coincidence that Jesus refers to Himself as "the truth" (John 14:6) and that our relationship with the Lord begins with a truthful confession of our sinfulness (1 John 1:9). The intentions of men and expectations of women in relationships are oftentimes convoluted because they are not truthfully discussed at the beginning of a relationship.

*Boundary Lines

Gray areas are not exciting to deal with, and many of them show up early in a relationship. These issues may include anything from how much time you should spend with a guy to what you should share with him about your past to how deeply you should discuss spiritual issues. However, setting physical and emotional boundary lines early is critical for the future health and maturation of a relationship.

*Expectations

Expectations are a tricky thing. We should always be hopeful toward the future, but women have a way of drawing conclusions for the future based upon expectations that have no solid foundation. This is especially true in relationships. Perhaps it is because most romantic movies have happy endings where the girl always ends up with Prince Charming, or perhaps it is due to our sin nature. Regardless of the reason, we have a way of expecting what is not promised to us in the area of dating. It is so important to be truthful with your significant other about the expectations you have for your relationship. When given the opportunity to discuss this issue with him, speak honestly about where you believe the relationship is going.

*Leadership

Men have a God-given desire to lead, and as women, we should encourage that desire by letting him do so. This includes the initial boundary of "labeling" the relationship. Until that boundary is set, crossing emotional or physical lines will only convolute the situation. 

Liz Lockwood, MDiv, ThM, resides in Charleston, South Carolina, where she serves as the Adult Ministry Associate at East Cooper Baptist Church.